Dear Therapist
I'm finally making some progress on understanding where my wife and I are as individuals in our married relationship. Sounds weird I know. A marriage is a union between two people weather they be gay, lesbian or straight.We had a very honest talk last night that answered many of the questions that had bothered me over the last few months.
The sum of our talk is this:
At this point I am focused on the final goal of a traditional marriage and family. That is, a monogamous relationship with the woman I love raising our children together. Period. This is the family I have always dreamed of having because the one I grew up in was in no way a family. We were a collection of individuals who all happened to share the same roof.
My wife on the other hand is what she terms more open in her attitudes about monogamy and it's place in our marriage. I have mentioned to you her second life which she has been living on the fringes of since we were first separated. She has never kept this a secret from me, in fact she's talked about it to me on and off since she started attending the meet 'n greets this group holds. As you may imagine, this group has a very casual approach to sex and relationships. It's a swing group and she never tried to make that a secret. I wasn't upset about her going to these because she said she was just in this group for friendship. I believed her.
Finally last night, as I said, we had a talk about this group and what she's looking for in it. She said that she did want casual, no strings sex but she wanted that with other women while we continue our married life ( this supposes we can get the living arrangements taken care of and my son straightened out ).
Here in this sharp difference between her ideas on casual sex and my ideas on monogamous sex lies our, or better my obvious stumbling block. To me sex is a very private way of expressing deep love for someone and actually augments that love. I discovered quite some time ago that sex is not so special without the love that goes along with it.
For my wife it is not. It's like a hand shake or a peck on the cheek or just another bodily function that needs service from time to time.
I finally concluded with my wife that I was willing go down this road with her and try sharing her sexually with another woman and she could, at her discretion proceed. There was one request I had that was that she have her sex with her partner only. No men allowed. She said she would honor my request. Here again I believed her. She has said to me in the past that if we don't make it as a couple she would go totally gay.
The only action she has told me of is that she has kissed with one particular woman but there was nothing more than that.
As this conversation went on we also decided I would go to a meet 'n greet with her one night to meet some of these folks. She says they take place in bars around the area typically on Thursday nights. She has spoken to me about it in months past asking if I wanted to go. I was usually not too interested. I'm willing to try this with her now just to establish some presence in this other life that's developing within her.
Even tough this talk went a long way in quieting some of the fears within me, it has brought to mind many more new thoughts and questions as you may have guessed.
I am worried that some of the pictures that were raging in my head may come back. Namely pictures of my wife having sex with other men. These keep me awake at night and scare me the most. It's a deep fear and I have no idea where it came from. I told my wife I could not handle her with other men, not now, probably not ever. This to me is the ultimate rejection there is no other that equals the cruelty of this act. My wife has known this about me from the start of our romantic relationship.
My feelings regarding another woman having sex with her are different ( I hope ) in that I know my wife is not rejecting me but getting fulfillment in a way I can't. Which ever woman she is with will not be better than me, just different.
So, after considering all this I am wondering if and then how I can attitudinally affect some part of this casual sex life style. It is so very foreign to me when I really think about it. It is contrary to everything I have learned about relationships, love, and my heart. How will I handle meet 'n greets where hands travel freely? How accepting will I be of another woman in bed with my wife? How is it possible to keep love and sex separated? Will the other woman feel the same way?
I am willing to tepidly explore this other life style with my wife just to be with her, and because I love her.
I just have no idea how I'm going to react.
Regards,
Me-
posted by Knot @ 11:39 AM
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